Office Memo

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

None the less we do realize the critical importance of individuals being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with fellow employees. Therefore, a list of code phrase replacements has been compiled so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive co-workers.

In the following example, the old phase is listed first and the preferred new phrase is second.

No fucking way!: I'm certain that's not feasible.
You've got to be shitting me.: Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck.: Perhaps you should check with...
Ask me if I give a fuck.: Of course I'm concerned.
It's not my fucking problem.: I wasn't involved with that project.
What the fuck?: Interesting.
Fuck it, it won't work.: I'm not sure I can implement this.
Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner?: I'll try to schedule that.
When the fuck do you expect me to do this?: Perhaps I can work late.
Who the fuck cares?: Are you sure this is a problem?
He's get his head up his ass.: He's not familiar with the problem.
Eat shit!: You don't say.
Eat shit and die.: Excuse me?
Eat shit and die motherfucker.: Excuse me Sir?
What the fuck do they want from my life?: They weren't happy with it?
Kiss my ass.: So you'd like my help with it?
Fuck it, I'm on salary.: I don't think you understand.
Shove it up your ass.: I love a "challenge".
Who the hell died and made you the boss?: You want me to take care of this.
Blow me.: I see.
Blow yourself.: Do you see?
Another fucking meeting?: Yes, we really should discuss this.
I really don't give a shit.: I don't think it will be a problem.
He's a fucking prick.: He's somewhat insensitive.
She's a ball-breaking bitch.: She's an aggressive go-getter.
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.: I think you could use more training.
This place is all fucked up.: We're a little disorganized.

From: Philip Hebbes -- phebbes@acs.ryerson.ca