Have you ever been at a point in your life when everything was just "right"? I was. It was last summer and I was pregnant with Spencer Lee. For the first and only time in my life, I felt like everything was going to be just fine. I had a peace within me that I couldn't explain and a joy in my heart that could not be destroyed.

Even today as I look back at Sept. 13, 1998, I can still feel the joy within myself. Now, of course, there are jagged bits of pain and emptiness around it, but the core of the joy is still there.

Many of you know Spencer's birth story, but I'll give a brief summary here for those who don't know. If you would like the long version, all you need to do is e-mail me and ask.

On Saturday, Sept. 12, my husband James, six-year-old daughter Jocelyn and I went to a local festival. We spent the day listening to live music, enjoying food in the park and being with friends. That night James' mom took Jocelyn out to a movie and James and I enjoyed a quiet dinner for two. After Jocelyn was tucked into bed, I soaked in a warm bath until about 11 p.m. I joined James in bed afterward.

There was nothing odd about that day or that night. Spencer kicked regularly and I felt fine. I wish I would have known that it would be the last day he would be alive. I feel a great deal of guilt because I didn't know and I believe a mother should have.

When we arrived at the hospital about 2:15 a.m., he was already gone. Everything gets rather hazy for me after this point because of the pain, pain killers, guilt, numbness and hysteria. I remember my water being broken and I remember labor being induced. Mostly I remember lying in the hospital and asking God to take me and spare him. That wasn't mean to be.

Spencer was born just after 6 a.m. He weighed 7 pounds and 14 ounces. He was 21 inches long and was a perfect baby. I remember his hair being about the same shade as my own and hoping that he would actually be blessed with some curls. His feet were large just like James'. It was very hard to say good-bye.

We held services that Friday, Sept. 18. The funeral home, hospital staff, friends and relatives were just incredible. If there was a lesson to be learned in all of this, it was that we have a support system around us and that we can lean on each other without breaking.